Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Andy Sidaris.  This name is well known among devotees of low grade T & A actioners. I first became aware of him in the early '80s, when his '70s films played on Showtime's "After Hours" portion of the broadcast day.  I only glimpsed a scene here and there from STACEY! and SEVEN, as I was concerned my parents would catch me in this devious act.  Sidaris may be best known for 1987's HARD TICKET TO HAWAII, which he wrote and directed.  To call the movie "camp" is accurate and may only scratch the surface. It's almost as if Sidaris reinvented the term.

It's a wannabe James Bond type adventure, with several direct nods to 007.  But no one will ever mistake this for one.  Not just the low production values and less than expert action scenes.  Sidaris liked to show topless women.  Lots of them.  I can't speak for his other features, but HARD TICKET never shows any genitalia of either gender.  He doesn't make any effort to stage softcore, though one late in the proceedings sex scene features a guy (siting in a chair) moaning while his lady pushes herself on him. Sexy? Nah.  It comes off just this side of scenes from THE ROOM or MITCHELL.  No kidding.

Hawaii.  A fearsome drug lord named Seth (Rodrigo Obregon) discovers his diamond shipment has been (accidentally) intercepted by a pair of blondes who work for "The Agency", fronted as an airplane taxi service.  Of course he wants 'em back, but Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are no pushovers, and repeatedly fight back.  Donna even shoots Seth in the mouth.  Good thing Rowdy (Ronn Moss) and Jade (Harold Diamond), other agents, arrive to help them.  But not before they dispatch an assassin on a skateboard (riding with an inflatable doll) with a rocket launcher.    For good measure, the doll gets blown away as well, in one of several Hall of Fame moments.

But there are many.  Some of the dialogue seems born out of rejected vaudeville jokes.  Others are just plain odd.

One man's dream is another man's lunch.

If brains were birdshit, you'd have a clean cage.

A very large snake infected with toxins also plays a role in the plot, as does a razor blade equipped frisbee.  Don't let me spoil anything for you. 

Speir and Carlton were Playboy playmates, by the way, so they get to showcase their wares numerous times.  Also, a random woman who confronts a guy in drag, who is spying for Seth.  Gratuitous nudity taken to a new level. HARD TICKET TO HAWAII sports a great title and a cheesy title song, and is nearly breathtaking in its stupidity.  And a great deal of fun to watch if you like this sort of thing.