The Last American Virgin

SPOILERS!

1982's THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN is quite the schizophrenic experience.   The tone shifts often, and rather clumsily at that.   I dismissed much of it while it unfolded, but reflection only helped this movie.  Israeli writer/director Boaz Davidson, remaking his popular LEMON POPSICLE film, has fashioned what appears to be a typical '80s horny teenager saga, and it most certainly is that.  During the first two thirds, at least.  The last twenty minutes or so get more serious, but even earlier the darker, lonelier moments of high school life are effectively captured in moments.  Crudely, but the honesty is there.

Gary (Lawrence Monoson) is instantly smitten with new girl Karen (Diane Franklin).  He makes eye contact with her at the ice cream parlor and is speechless.   He eventually gives her a lift to school after he deflates the tire on her motorcycle.  But she gives him the dreaded "friend" vibe.   While Gary hangs with two more extroverted buddies - ladies' man Rick (Steve Antin) and slobby David (Joe Rubbo) and joins in their sexual escapades, he is a gentler, fragile soul, always appearing on the verge of tears.  And they will come, in spades.

Karen later falls for Rick and his effortless charm.   She even forgives him when he stands her up.  What she doesn't know is that he, David, and Gary went to see a rather jaded prostitute.  That scene is bitter and realistic.   Kudos to Davidson.  However, we also see the boys lure three girls to Gary's house with the promise of a big party with drugs, turning instead into a session of snorting Sweet 'N Low and comically disastrous attempts at getting laid.  Or how about that scene with the randy Latina Carmela (Louisa Moritz), possibly the cringiest in the film?  Those moments play like that of any dumb sex comedy, and even more embarrassingly now than they probably were in the '80s.  This was another one of those cable classics I somehow missed in my teen years.

THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN also has that notorious ending you may have heard about.  Kudos to Davidson again for not only going for such a downbeat, cynical wrap up, but pulling it off  without melodrama.  Credit largely goes to Franklin, whose performance up to that point was mostly awkward.  He facial expressions are just right.  Like daggers to Gary's heart.   It's brutal, and I can easily imagine audiences booing it.  Or some punk in the back of the theater finding it funny.  It's uncommonly blatant for this sort of movie, and I think most humans have been in Gary's shoes at one time or another.  Knowing how it ended beforehand did not soften the sting when it came.  It may well be the ultimate "nice guys finish last" scenario. 

It's odd.  The movie is too silly and raunchy for discerning viewers, and too depressing for the peanut gallery who came only to see boobs.  The reactions would be varied, I'm sure.  But most would agree this has a bitchin' soundtrack of early '80s pop, rock, and New Wave, to the point that they just about narrate the onscreen action.  You gotta appreciate the use of Devo's "Whip It" during a penis measuring contest.

There are some weird cultural bits that were lost in translation from Israel to Los Angeles.  Why does Gary bring Karen a bag of oranges while she's recovering from a medical procedure?  Also, several scenes unfold with no follow up, as when the boys hijack their nerdy classmate's convertible and accidentally drive it into the Pacific.  How about Gary's clueless to the max parents, who never seem to punish him, even after they arrive home earlier than expected and find topless girls running into the living room?  Or when Gary comes home drunk and propositions one of their friends?!  Had I done these sort of things, it's very likely I wouldn't have lived to write this review.