Chatterbox

Let me save you some time straight away: if you don't have interest or curiosity for a movie about a talking and singing vagina, just stop reading right now.

This idea has potential, one has to admit. You might say, lowbrow potential at best. You'd be correct. Especially given that this film, 1977's CHATTERBOX, features celebrated drive-in starlet Candice Rialson in the lead (as a poor young lady named Penelope with the rather loquacious sex organ) and she's frequently sans clothes.  But I kept thinking - what if said organ,"Virginia" (that's the name she, er, it's given) spoke eruditely, had more of a point of view than merely seeking constant, um, stimulation? Would it be possible to make an intelligent, thoughtful psychological drama about a woman whose life is all but wrecked by this organ with a mind all its own? Could Ingmar Bergman or James Ivory have made a highbrow piece out of this?

Yeah, probably not. Some ideas just can't get past an inherent ridiculousness. LARS AND THE REAL GIRL attempted, with some success, to tell a serious story of a disturbed young man who has a relationship with an inflatable doll. That movie tread the line fairly well, with many insightful scenes, but sometimes it was impossible not to laugh at the absurdity of the scenario. CHATTERBOX is absurd from its first seconds, when Virginia ruins Penelope's evening by insulting her lover Ted (Perry Bullington) when things get amorous. Soon, Virginia's comments are getting Penelope in trouble at work and even get her arrested.

Our heroine seeks out psychiatrist Dr. Pearl (Larry Gelman), who rather than help her through this most unusual of dilemmas seeks to make her famous. After unleashing Virginia in front of the American Medical Association Board, the doctor becomes her agent, contracting her to appear on The Irwin Corey Show and in a musical in which she croaks her big disco hit "Wang Dang Doodle."

All the while, Penelope feels increasingly overshadowed by her "talent", longing for True Love while Virginia would rather just sing and seek temporary companionship.  This being a exploitation pic, there are scenes where Penelope/Virginia have liasions with a man who likes to speak in Old English and dress in a suit of armor (Viginia mildly balks at first, wondering if "we'll need a can opener") and even an entire high school basketball team.  Ah, the 70s. But neither sequence is explicit in the least.

In fact, CHATTERBOX is a surprisingly innocent little film, far from being pornographic. Not even soft core. It was one of those compact entertainments that was short enough to play on a bill with several other such movies for a night at the drive in. Lots of nudity and innuendos, sure, but little and very brief onscreen sex. These sorts of films were often a little more sly than you would think. If you dug a bit, there were also some astute commentaries on "free love" and women's lib.

And CHATTERBOX does ever so lightly touch upon more serious issues, however fleetingly, but never for any serious exploration. By the last scene, Penelope stands atop a cliff, ready to end it all. Good thing there's a guy who shows up with a singing penis.