Pretty Maids All in a Row

Now here is a classic case of a guilty celluloid pleasure. The sort of movie that I wouldn't exactly praise from the rooftops, and (shudder) not in certain mixed company. PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW, the 1971 vehicle from notorious French director Roger Vadim, is one of the most irresponsible, baldly amoral films I've ever seen. Harsh? Consider the plotline. Michael "Tiger" McDrew (Rock Hudson) is a very popular school football coach/guidance counselor at a Southern California high school. He takes great care in providing mentorship to his youthful charges, advising them in a variety of matters that often go wayyyy beyond the classroom.

First, there's Ponce de Leon Harper (John David Carson). Yes, that's his name; I kid you not. Ponce has this problem. He can't stop gawking at all the hot girls on campus. In a dizzying opening credit sequence, we follow Ponce on his Vespa (how forward-thinking, man!) and onto campus as he lusts after every miniskirted coed who happens by. And it's not only Ponce with the dirty mind. Vadim allows his camera to literally go up several of those skirts, but I digress. Ponce's problem leads to priapism (look it up), a rather embarrassing situation that apparently neither cold showers nor thinking about multiplication tables can quench.

After confiding this dilemma to McDrew, who mistakenly thinks that Ponce is suffering from anti-priapism, the coach has an idea. Why not convince that luscious new teacher, Betty Smith (Angie Dickinson) to "help" this kid? Just more helpful guidance.

But McDrew also "guides" his female students, in the same ways Betty will eventually help Ponce. It usually occurs in Tiger's office, right during school hours. He has this neon sign over his door that reads TESTING, which he otherwise uses when a student is actually taking a legitimate test. It also comes in handy when the coach has other sorts of sessions with his students of the fairer sex. No one will interrupt, you see. No one will know. Except the girls themselves of course.

And these girls get very attached to Tiger, enough to even do whatever they have to to have Tiger all to themselves. This won't do, as the coach is happily married with child. When his students become too attached, threatening to expose all the illicit activities with undoubtedly unfavorable results for his idyllic family life, well....the smitten little girls start turning up dead. One is found face down in a stall in the boy's bathroom. Several others follow.

The local sheriff (Keenan Wynn) is quite the bumbler. He puts his fingerprints all over the crime scenes. Enter Capatin Sam Surcher (Telly Savalas), cool as a cucumber and quietly obsessed with nailing the assailant. By now, I think you can figure out who the killer is. Being a clever whodunit isn't much of a concern for PRETTY MAIDS.

So what is? Depends on your point-of-view, I guess. This major studio (MGM) release from an age when free love and open minds were mainstream, seems unconscionable through today's eyes. Teachers seducing their underage students? This movie has nary a conscience. It simply can't be bothered with being disturbed with all of the destructive emotional, to say nothing of physical, fallout of such actions.

And students getting killed? Perfect opportunities for dark humor. "She was a good little cheerleader," states the principal (Roddy McDowell) at a girl's funeral. "We never practice on the day of a murder," deadpans the waterboy for the football team. My favorite: after watching several doors close in tandem on the back of a fleet of hearses for all the deceased girls, the principal, very impressed, notes "Well organized!"

Meanwhile, Ms. Betty Smith eventually relents to Tiger's request that she become a "friend" to Ponce, leading to a series of embarrassing encounters at her home. She invites the shy high-schooler over for some reading of Milton and a little hot chocolate, which gets spilled after Betty discovers Ponce isn't suffering from anti-priapism after all. Horrified, Ponce quickly excuses himself and shuffles home.

Another time, Ponce brings over a ridiculous liquor-filled chocolate duck, which gets crushed when the duo finally gets friendly with each other. As squirm-inducing as these scenes are, there is an undeniable truth to them, a fairly vivid realization of teenage hormonal drive and middle-aged loneliness. Such fantasies have been entertained by more than a few 16 or 17-year-olds. Did you ever surrender yourself to flights of fancy over that scintillating home room teacher? The scenes with Ponce and Betty are not, however, beset by the sort of smutty brio we see with Tiger and friends.

Nontheless, everything in PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW is treated with what might be described as casual indifference. Almost documentary-like. The movie offers no condemantion, and almost seems to endorse the deviant behavior. Do I sound like a raging minister at this point? I should be wagging the finger in my own face, because despite my distaste for the movie, I still found it quite amusing and fun. I am glad I did not see this film during my more formative years, for what I think are fairly obvious reasons.

Several later movies seem to owe a bit to PRETTY MAIDS. The older woman/younger man angle was explored in numerous films in the 70s and 80s and beyond, such as PRIVATE LESSONS and AMERICAN PIE. The gallows humor involving dead teens was emulated in MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH, which was in turn emulated by 1988's acidic HEATHERS. The latter film has deadpan observations much like PRETTY MAIDS. It's always eye-opening to watch older films and see what latter day filmmakers "borrowed" or were inspired by.

Vadim, of course, became famous for working (and being involved) with 60s sex bombs like Brigitte Bardot, Catherine Deneuve, and Jane Fonda. He was responsible for enduring camp such as ....AND GOD CREATED WOMAN and BARBARELLA. His first attempt at a Hollywood picture is a truly bizarre clash of an open-minded European attitude about sexuality set in an all-American landscape of quarterbacks and prom queens. And how strange to see all of these so-called high school coeds, Tiger's groupies. They all look like gatefolds for Playboy. That's no accident, many of the actresses recruited for this film actually were!

Hudson was a long way from the innocent romantic comedies of yesterday for which he became famous. The raunchy liasions Tiger and his students engage in here most certainly would've made Doris Day blush. Dickinson continues her alluring approaching middle age shtick. Savalas glides through the proceedings, chomping cigars, placing his sunglasses on lampshades; he's virtually auditioning for his future role as TV's Kojak.

So why have I taken the time to review such a sleazy movie? PRETTY MAIDS is a sly little film, a choice drive-in flick that is possibly possessing more satire than is first discernable. Maybe screenwriter Gene Roddenberry (yes, the same guy who created Star Trek) was attempting some sort of indictment of the whole post 60s scene. If he was, Vadim sabotaged it with carnal glee.